so my only living parent is lying in a hospital bed in George after some blood loss induced by a “procedure”. I am 33 and in Johannesburg and I don’t know what to do. I have fear. But I also have recognition that this is out of my hands. Its weird. I feel almost catatonic in my actions. I sit. I smoke (recent). I have been through this fear before and I know my fear will not be able to do or not do the outcome. And then I think I feel fat and feel so kak about how fickle I am. All in nothingness and nothing I can do. I wish for comfort but I can not think of one thing that will make this better… Nothing but worry and nothing I can do. shitfuck.
I like being some sort of a smarty pants. I am constantly gathering information that will make me good at boardgames and pub quiz nights (we all need our hobbies dammit!) I get very competitive and mean. It really is a magical experience :) anyway to the point, a podcast to start following is boing boing’s “you are not smart” I have mentioned them before but since then I have listened to more of them, and they are always fun! And there are always cookies involved… I will make it my life’s mission to send in a cookie recipe that will get me a book and a mention* hom nom nom
I don’t know if its just me, but a huge part of my downfall in jobs has always been “doubt”. Not trusting my instincts and caring to much about the opinions of the wrong people. And not just staying calm and sticking to what I know. I have gotten better at this, its called “being older”. But still I am blown away about how things can dramatically work out in your favour by being quiet and and trusting your gut. I hope to do that a lot more this year :)
… but I may have ran up two flights of stairs in order not to say hi to my neighbour. I can’t explain this behaviour. I was not THAT drunk, I am just socially awkward. She did wish me a merry christmas with swear words, which I probably deserved… Also did I mention I ran away from boyfriend in this awkward attempt at not saying hi to someone. I fail at being a human. Sigh. Fokkit.